Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Shocking New Report: Santa Claus Arrested!

In a shocking blow to children everywhere, Santa Claus was arrested on Christmas Day as he returned home from a night of distributing gifts. It seems that these items are not actual brand-name items but high quality knock-offs produced by workers at a secret North Pole factory. Mr. Claus has been charged with thousands of counts of copyright violation, patent infringement, and theft of intellectual property, with new charges being added every day.

Children and teens all over the world are aghast at a deception that has aparently been going on for centuries. Thousands of teen-age and college age girls, especially in the US, were outraged upon learning that the designer clothes they got for Christmas were not authentic. Charity groups and landfills alike have been swamped with tons designer clothes, shoes, and accessories. Several charities have asked that people stop donating and learn to live with the shame of being not quite authentic. After all, they said, you can't really tell.

This reaction, however, was nothing compared to the outrage of several hi-tech companies. Dell, HP, Microsoft, Apple, etc. are up in arms. In several press releases, these companies blasted Mr. Claus for forcing them to spend money to support millions of computers, software, ipods, etc. that they didn't make or sell themselves. One press release stated, "It is completely unethical for somebody to flood the market with so many products and expect the industry to spend their resources supporting them." Another company stated, "We hope that fat old man rots in jail for his wanton destruction of our business models." These companies are trying to track down the Santa Claus fakes and make sure that they don't get any support (though some companies will offer fee-based support for their products). The billions of dollars in percieved losses caused the stock values of many of these companies to drop significantly.

The recording and movie industries are also going after Mr. Claus for allegedly pirating millions of albums and movies. In a joint press release they stated, "Mr. Claus has done more harm to the movie and music business in one night than all of the pre-teen movie and music pirates have done up to this time." The lawsuits being contemplated may spiral into the trillions of dollars.

In response to the charges, Mr. Claus was quoted as saying, "I was just trying to give a little happiness and joy to the children of the world." In response, lawyers representing most of the major retail outlets stated, "It is hard to imagine the arrogance and lack of respect that would cause him to commit such atrocities. Happiness and joy aren't to be given out freely, they're to be bought and paid for like everything else."

1 comment:

Jeff said...

I thought I'd try a little satire. Let me know what you think.